The Armadillo of Legends: Defender of Stuffed Animals

The Armadillo of Legends: Defender of Stuffed Animals

The Armadillo’s left arm strained, and gave way under the pressure of the Elephant’s mighty strength. The Armadillo fell over backwards and rolled away avoiding the Elephants giant crushing hooves.

Earlier the Armadillo had thought that his shield would break under the strain of the Elephant’s attack, but instead it appeared to become stronger, more stable in his hand, with each blow. The Armadillo was faster than his opponent and as the elephant raised his hands for the next blow, the Armadillo slid under his feet slicing his ankle as he went!

The Elephant turned to attack firing his crossbow at the Armadillo. Reflexively the Armadillo raised his shield to block the bolt. He expected his shield would stop the bolt, but he did not expect it to react in the way that it did. The shield had changed during the battle from an old wooden shield, to a worthy armament, solid in construction and made of shimmering silver metal. When the bolt struck the front of the shield, it glowed for a minute, then the metal shuddered and absorbed the energy.

Recoiling the Elephant muttered to himself, “Very interesting. I must study that shield. Maybe I can use it in my cookie ray!”. The Armadillo stopped for a moment and cocked his head quizzically.  He had never heard of a cookie ray.  The very idea seemed preposterous, mad even.  Perhaps this made sense as the man promoting the ray was referred to as The Mad Elephant.

Said crazed elephant fired again, and again with crossbow while the Armadillo stood behind the cover of his mighty shield. The bolts struck and bounced off one after another. Clang, Clang.  With each strike the shield glowed it’s mystical silver each time brighter and brighter.  The shield bestowed upon him by The Attack Frog was indeed a gift, but the Armadillo had no time to ponder the Stone Monument’s generosity, or the magical properties of his shield.  Eventually, he would weary hiding behind the shield or the gray mass firing down at him would grow tired of watching the silver triangle absorb his projectiles and devise a more effective method of attack.  Either way the Armadillo wanted to act first.  He rifled through his bag looking for something to give him an edge in the battle. Finally he struck upon it. Reaching deep in the bag he pulled out blue bomb, about the size of his head, and hurled it at the Elephant. The Elephant curled up his trunk in front of him as the bomb exploded in his face.

Following up his unexpected attack the Armadillo rushed forward, and toppled the Elephant. Sweeping his sword the Armadillo smacked his crossbow away. Turning onto his side, the Elephant waved his wand, and the ground beneath the Armadillo became as smooth as glass. The Armadillo began to slip, so he flipped backwards off of the patch of ground. “Arghh! Why do you pester me so? I’m not really a bad guy. For to long have I been misunderstood. All I want to do is perfect my harmless cookie ray. So I can eat the world.”

The Armadillo just stared at him, his face a mixture of amazement and confusion (mostly confusion). Recovering his composure he circled around the patch of ground so that he stood once more in front of the Elephant.

Faster than the eye could follow the Armadillo threw flash powder on the ground blinding the Elephant. While he was blinded, the Armadillo rushed forward and jumped in the air, he kicked the Elephant square in the chest, knocking him onto the glass like ground.

As the pachyderm fell the wand flew from his hand. The Armadillo quickly clove it in half, and put his sword point to the Elephants throat. “I didn’t steal the muffins! I swear!” shrieked the Elephant.

The Armadillo looked at him quizzically.

“Oh, you’re not the muffin man. Sorry about that. I lied. I really did steal the muffins.”

The Armadillo pressed the sword closer to his opponent’s throat.

“Alright, fine. I don’t have the Princess. She’s in the Blue Ruins. She is being held captive by some strange shadow group. I’m not sure who the members are.”

Grunting in frustration the Armadillo whacked the Elephant, with his sword hilt. Quickly tying up the unconscious Elephant the Armadillo struck out on his quest once more. As he walked away he heard someone hailing him from behind.

The Armadillo of Legends: Defender of Stuffed Animals

The Armadillo of Legends: Defender of Stuffed Animals

Forced to pursue the villainous Elephant the Armadillo of Legends struck out across the clearing toward the neighboring village. Though still thirty yards away the Armadillo could already detect the effects of the mayhem. The fires roaring atop the buildings, the smell of burning tar and hay, and the shouts for help, mingled with the insane laughter of the evil Elephant. He hurried forward.

As he entered the village he surveyed the wreckage, trying to find the mad Doctor Elephant. This did not take long. Despite the Elephant’s immense weight he sat with astounding grace on a slender, floating, broomstick. The Elephant attacked the villagers alternating with his two weapons, a small wand, and a lazer-crossbow. The Elephant’s unearthly weapons, and his eerie laughter perturbed many of the villagers causing them to run in fear. The Armadillo however, is without fear. Sneaking up behind the Elephant he hurled his boomerang at his his foe’s voluminous head. The boomerang rebounding off the back of his head, the Elephant turned around trumpeting in anger. Unfortunately, the Armadillo had underestimated the strength of his enemy’s skull.

“Who dares to strike ME!!!”, roared the Elephant.

Even after he had discovered his assailant his eyes continued to dart from place to place. This rapid searching, almost nervous motion was contrasted by his seemingly calm and respectable demeanor, giving him the air of an insane mystic.

The Armadillo, however, wasted no time on a such a character study, insightful though it may be.  Rushing forward he jumped, twirled in the air, and struck the Elephant full in the face with his right foot. Following this with a shield brought heavy against the same target.  The Elephant fell from his broomstick. Recovering himself the Elephant fired two bolts with his gun that the Armadillo easily parried. While he fired he waved his wand in the air, summoning a large wind which blew the Armadillo away from him.

“Impudent FOOL!!!”, the Elephant roared, “You think you can attack ME; The Strength of Sages, The Duke of Doom, The Lord of Lard; and expect get away with it?!!”. The Armadillo snickered involuntarily at this last title, which only served to anger the Elephant more. Trumpeting out a vicious war cry, the Elephant bore down on the Armadillo putting all his weight behind his mighty charge. Placing his shield in front of him the Armadillo braced for impact.

To be continued…

The Armadillo of Legends: Defender of Stuffed Animals

The Armadillo of Legends: Defender of Stuffed Animals

The Barons of Evil flew down from the sky riding a strange, red, flying vehicle. It had a large body in the middle and on the sides were the wings, each with a large turbine on them. 

These villains alighted in front of our hero and as they did so the fox opened his mouth as if to speak. He never got the chance. The Armadillo leapt forward with the ferocity of a lion. Taking them by surprise the Armadillo smashed the bear across the face, knocking him off balance. Rushing forward he  slashed at the fox, who he knew to be their leader. To his great surprise his sword glanced off.  His foe was protected by a very clear panel of strong glass. From behind the Armadillo a bolas swooped through the air, rapped around the Armadillo’s feet, and he fell off the ship. He had forgotten about the racoon.

The ship quickly drew backwards and up a little as the devious leader of the motley crew began issuing orders. “Slew Foot quick, get behind him. Count Drakecula, grab your weapons and descend from the ship.”

Even as the fox uttered his commands, the bear known as Slew Foot leapt the immense distance, and stood some ten feet behind the Armadillo.

The racoon, whom the Armadillo now knew to be Count Drakecula, stood before the ship sword in hand, as the fox continued. “Did you really think I would just “let” you attack me? Come on guys, I tried to be reasonable, but now we have to do this the hard way.”

“Got it Baron Fox!”

Slew Foot sprang towards the Armadillo slammed against him and sent him flying. The Armadillo bounced twice off the ground before he finally stopped flying. The Armadillo was beginning to understand the true brute strength of the small bear.

His head was still reeling as Count Drakecula swiftly approached him from behind. The Armadillo however, recovered faster. Whirling around the Armadillo pulled a small bomb off his belt and threw it at the Count. Surprised, the Count took a step to the side to avoid the bomb. Coiling his grappling hook around the feet of the surprised racoon, the Armadillo pulled Count Drakecula to the ground.

“You’re good,” said the Count smiling deviously, “but not good enough.”

As he spoke Baron Fox flew towards the Armadillo spraying fire as he went. The stouthearted warrior flipped backwards to avoid the fire, and was smacked into a tree by the strong arm of Slew Foot.

“Now that we have let off some steam,” said Baron Fox, “maybe you could listen to what I have to say.”

The Armadillo looked around at the three trained villains, each deadly in their area of expertise. He knew he could beat them with more supplies, more time, and a plan. He had none of these. Besides, as long as he kept them within his line of sight he could plan while the fox talked. The Armadillo glared at them, and nodded his assent.

“Good.” said Baron Fox, “I hate fighting good guys anyways. They always win. Now I assume you want to know who we were chasing and why. As you know we are rapidly becoming the most evil group in the world. This is not because we are the most evil, but rather because we are slowly eradicating the competition. The elephant we were chasing is known as Doctor Elephant, a sorcerer/genius and complete lunatic. His evil feats are known far and wide, and he is now headed for that village in the distance. If you hurry you can catch him before he does much damage. Good luck.”

As Baron Fox turned to leave Slew Foot interjected asking, “What about the girl?”

“Oh yes.” said the Baron, “You think we kidnapped the fair princess of yonder kingdom. I’m afraid you are sadly mistaken. if you want to know where she is I would ask the Elephant. Kidnapping is not really our style. Good luck with that as well.”

The Armadillo looked at the Baron and knew he was not lying. This ability was one of the Armadillo’s rare gifts. As they left he could hear Baron Fox remarking how he loved when good guys did their work for them. He didn’t want to, but he knew he couldn’t let the Elephant destroy that town. He knew, deep inside him that the Barons of Evil and he would meet again some day.  Whether this was a comfort or a concern he did not know.

Armadillo of Legends: Defender of Stuffed Animals

The Armadillo of Legends: Defender of Stuffed Animals

As the Armadillo left the desert he was greeted with the ominous smell of smoke. Surveying the horizon he quickly saw the origin of the smoke. The smoke billowed and curled in a giant column that snaked down to a small village in the distance.

Though he had promised to save the princess the noble nature of the Armadillo would not allow him to pass such wrongs without at least seeing if he could help. Moreover, since huge destruction and  fires are the token of the Rainbow Dragon, perhaps he could kill two birds with one stone.

As he arrived on the scene he saw that the villagers had already put out most of the immediate fire but it continued to spread with amazing strength and speed into the distance.

Hurriedly the Armadillo went to one of the villagers who gave him a brief detail of what had happened. Apparently most of them had been working in the fields so they did not entirely know what had happened. They did however know that before the fire had started they saw two shadows fly by. They couldn’t tell what they were, but they knew that the second had brought the fire.

The Armadillo waited to hear no more. If this was his arch-nemesis many more people would be in danger. As he grew near to the source of the still spreading fire he slowed down a little to prepare himself for battle. He noticed that while two shadows flew and shot fire they did so with little noise, but the vile dragon generally fought while challenging with ear deafening roars.

The Armadillo had little time to ponder this, as he quickly saw his chance to strike. Crouching behind a large rock, he saw the shadow growing closer. Suddenly he leapt in front of it sword and shield in hand poised for action. What landed in front of him were three perspicuous figures. A fox, a bear, and a racoon: The Barons of Evil.

The Armadillo of Legends: Defender of Stuffed Animals

The Armadillo of Legends: Defender of Stuffed Animals

And so the Armadillo took his leave of the Wise Old Bunny, and started across the desolate Land of the Living.

Obviously the name was meant to be a misnomer, or perhaps it was once a prosperous merchant town, but it certainly was no more. Harsh sand buffeted his face, while the heat from the sun beat down on his back. Nothing but dunes of sand were visible as far as the eye could see. Then far off in the distant the Armadillo’s keen eye noticed a gleam off the top of a small hill. Moving forward to examine it the Armadillo realized that there were many smaller lumps covering the hill. As he grew closer he could make out the glitter of two large eyes and the curl of one humongous lip.

The Armadillo stepped back in astonishment. Before him, between two huge mountains stood the giant stone Attack Frog!

The Attack Frog, immense in size, was a huge stone monument of a frog, magnificently painted and carved . Who or what this monument was carved for no one knew, but the monument was supposed to be constructed in Bathe.  How in the world did it come to be in the Land of the Living?

Suddenly the Attack Frog turned his head with a low rumbling sound, and began to speak in a deep throaty voice. “I see, young Armadillo, that you wish to cross past these mountains to the Valley of Din. To do this I have no objection, but if you wish me to move then first you must complete my task.”

The Armadillo rolled his eyes and accepted.

“Good. As I sit here much dust and sand accumulate on my stone eyes. Unable to gather water in the desert I would like you to clean them.Second I would like to know the nature of your quest, that I may judge your worthiness. And last of all I would like the book Dracula. I haven’t read a good book in ages.”

Diligently, the adventurer set about his tasks.  Within the hour the frog sat content with clean eyes, knowledge of the armadillo’s noble nature, and a good book.  All this being done the Attack Frog rose from the ground, and shaking dirt from ages past off him, nimbly sprang aside.

“I thank you Armadillo and due to the righteousness of your quest I offer you this old shield left behind by some other traveler. Though it is old and worn it will protect you from harm far better than any other.”

That being said, and the Armadillo on the other side of the mountain, the Attack Frog sprang back in place and became once more an immovable stone in the desert.

And so the Armadillo left the Land of the Living and emerged into the Valley of Din. As he entered the calm green valley he removed his scarf from his face, thinking now he could better smell the calming green scent of nature. Instead his nostrils were met with an atrocious smell. Fire.

The Armadillo of Legends: Defender of Stuffed Animals

As the Armadillo turned and walked away from his aged advisor, a passerby, confused by the Armadillo’s outlandish garb asked the old bunny, “Who was that Armadillo? Where did he come from?”.

“Why, said MyBunny, how could you not know? That is the Armadillo of Legends! He comes from a village far away, and his tale is not a happy one.

He used to live quite happily in his own village. They had food, water, and shelter.  They were overall a prosperous town and more importantly a joyous one. They had the sun shine by day and the moonglow by night, the birds sang ceaselessly while the flowers bloomed. Sadly, nothing lasts forever. Eventually, tales of their good fortune spread reaching the ears of those who are most greedy, one of these was the dreaded Rainbow Dragon.

The Rainbow Dragon, bloated with greed, ever hungry for gold and power, descended on the town with all his flame and fury leaving nothing left, but a the charred remains of this once happy village.

Now the Armadillo wanders in search of this flaming terror, righting wrongs as he comes upon them, growing ever stronger and more experienced.Gaining power and wisdom until he can finally confront and vanquish his foe.

That is the tale of the Armadillo of Legends”.

“Wait, so everyone in his village just died?”

“No! Hearing that the Rainbow Dragon was coming, they packed their stuff and moved. They live in a nearby village”

“So how do you know all this?” the passerby quizzically queried.

“Looked it up on the internet. I mean! Because I’m so wise and all that stuff…”

The Armadillo of Legends!

The Armadillo of Legends: A Shadow on the Horizon

The Armadillo grit his teeth and whirled around to see what new horror stood behind him. To his surprise he saw not an enemy, but rather a tall thin bunny, grey and wrinkled with age.

The Armadillo stood on guard, but did not draw his sword. The rabbit didn’t look very threatening. “Excuse me, said the old bunny, I did not mean to startle you. Of course in your line of work you must be jumpy. My name is MyBunny. N. MyBunny.”

The bunny voice was not old and weak as one might have expected but was in fact, rather like a child talking in an assumed voice to make it sound older and different. The result was very humorous. The Armadillo’s eyes narrowed and the bunny continued, “As I was saying, I came to ask you to save the Princess Mary, who has been kidnapped by the Barons of Evil. I’m not sure yet what they want, but they are rapidly becoming the most evil group in the world. Will you help me?”

The Armadillo nodded in assent. “Excellent. I am afraid you will have to do most of the adventuring yourself, as I am not as young as I once was. I can however offer you some advice. They don’t call me The Wise Bunny for nothing… Well I guess no one actually calls me that but… Never mind. You will have to travel far to find where the Princess is hidden: across the Land of the Living, through the Valley of Din, down the Unending Way of Hall, and finally to the Blue Ruins if you wish to find the Princess.

Know this: the Fox is the leader of the Barons of Evil, and is smarter than all the animals put together. The Black Bear is strong enough to rip through cement walls. And the Racoon is a sharpshooter, master assassin. Together these three are the Barons of Evil; and they are unbeatable. Farewell, and good luck.”

The Armadillo turns and leaves to face this new challenge, to fight an unbeatable team of evil and save a princess he has never met. As he walks away the sun sets in blaze of scarlet and crimson reminding him of his quest for his arch nemesis, a quest he must lay aside till he has saved the Princess Mary. 

Who is his arch nemesis? Can he defeat the Barons of Evil?? What do the Barons of Evil even want??? Don’t miss the next thrilling installment of “The Armadillo of Legends”!

Armadillo of Legends!

We now return to “The Armadillo of Legends: The Revenge of the Polar Bear!”.

Though surrounded the Armadillo is ever quick on his feet. Quickly turning around he threw his grappling hook and swung out of the fray. Recovering from their shock the Polar Bears turned to face the Armadillo in his new position. But the advantage of surprise had faded. The Armadillo stood before them with drawn sword. Quickly the Armadillo advanced toward their leader. The Armadillo jumped through the air slashing at Marcus, the leader of the Polar Bears, but Marcus flipped aside.

“I have learned some new tricks since our last meeting Armadillo,” he growled, “Alright guys, lets take him out.”

The Armadillo saw Gunter snarling to the right of him (Gunter fought like a beast gone mad, and no one knew if he just fought like he was feral, or if he was actually  feral). Hearing Sharp and Steel closing the gap behind him The Armadillo of Legends knew he had to act quickly. He jumped six feet in the air (as only an armadillo can (look it up)), and threw a fistful of flash powder on the ground. In the ensuing confusion, he whirled about to face the two behind him.  He delivered a powerful blow, striking Marcus across the face with the flat of his blade.

Pulling his grappling hook once more off of his belt, he threw it, and with the expert skill that only years of practice can give, he snaked the hook around the head of Steel and caught hold of the neck of Sharp. Pulling hard on the rope, he drew their heads together with a loud crack.

The Armadillo knew he had little time before Gunter was upon him so he hurled his boomerang in front of him. Jumping in the air once more he saw the boomerang return and smack Gunter in the face.

Regrouping as best that they could the Polar Bears began to retreat. “You win this time Armadillo, shouted Marcus over his shoulder, but we’ll attack again when you least expect it!”

Thus once more the Armadillo stands in victory over his foes. But even as the Polar Bears retreat a shadow looms up behind the Armadillo of Legends.  

Who is this shadow? What do they want from the Armadillo? Find out next Thursday!

Armadillo of Legends!

Evil stuffed animals beware! For a hero has awoken. The Armadillo of Legends! He single-handedly slew the giant polar bear,defeated a ship full of tiny pirates,and while ridding his faithful steed, the black panther,he wields “La Spada del Destino”! The Sword of Destiny!But is even he ready to face “The Revenge of the Polar Bear!”