Today I saw Mr. Squirrel taking a quiet repose on the table in the park.You’d think if the squirrel had any brains it would be more afraid of the table, since that is where we eat other animals. Unfortunately for the squirrel it is sadly lacking in intellect.
Yesterday, while I was pulling weeds by the pool enclosure, I noticed this toad buried in the dirt. It might have buried itself to avoid the heat, or it might have buried itself to avoid predators. Either way it blended in very well and I never would have noticed it if I had not seen it breathing. Sorry toad most rocks don’t breath. It was so dedicated to not being caught it let an ant crawl over its eye without moving. I however, had already seen it and pulled it out of the dirt. At this point, the toad did one of few things a toad can do in defense of its life. Leaping forwards it sprayed pee (literally) a foot behind itself. IT TRIED TO PEE ON ME. Yeah that’s right, toads are nasty little animals.
Today while I was mowing the lawn I saw two woodpeckers climbing up a tree. Not overly amazing, but it is rare to see two woodpeckers in the same tree. Did you know, that some woodpecker’s tongues wrap around their skull, to cushion their brain while are pecking for bugs? No wonder they can drill into wood so easily.
As the Armadillo turned and walked away from his aged advisor, a passerby, confused by the Armadillo’s outlandish garb asked the old bunny, “Who was that Armadillo? Where did he come from?”.
“Why, said MyBunny, how could you not know? That is the Armadillo of Legends! He comes from a village far away, and his tale is not a happy one.
He used to live quite happily in his own village. They had food, water, and shelter. They were overall a prosperous town and more importantly a joyous one. They had the sun shine by day and the moonglow by night, the birds sang ceaselessly while the flowers bloomed. Sadly, nothing lasts forever. Eventually, tales of their good fortune spread reaching the ears of those who are most greedy, one of these was the dreaded Rainbow Dragon.
The Rainbow Dragon, bloated with greed, ever hungry for gold and power, descended on the town with all his flame and fury leaving nothing left, but a the charred remains of this once happy village.
Now the Armadillo wanders in search of this flaming terror, righting wrongs as he comes upon them, growing ever stronger and more experienced.Gaining power and wisdom until he can finally confront and vanquish his foe.
That is the tale of the Armadillo of Legends”.
“Wait, so everyone in his village just died?”
“No! Hearing that the Rainbow Dragon was coming, they packed their stuff and moved. They live in a nearby village”
“So how do you know all this?” the passerby quizzically queried.
“Looked it up on the internet. I mean! Because I’m so wise and all that stuff…”
Today the Longbow News Service would like to welcome our new journalist department. Polar Bear: main writer. Doggy: editor/writer. Elephant: department manger. Baron Fox: world conqueror. Tiny Polar Bear (aka. Steel): cuddly mascot. When asked about his new position Polar Bear had this to say: “Writing isn’t so hard… Spelling words good is half the battle”.
Baron Fox had a slightly different opinion: “I WILL RULE THE COSMOS WITH AN IRON FIST!”.
Tiny Polar Bear was just happy to be there: “Yay, now I have a real job.”
Suffice to say they are all very happy to help. Their first article will come out tomorrow.
The Armadillo of Legends: A Shadow on the Horizon
The Armadillo stood on guard, but did not draw his sword. The rabbit didn’t look very threatening. “Excuse me, said the old bunny, I did not mean to startle you. Of course in your line of work you must be jumpy. My name is MyBunny. N. MyBunny.”
The bunny voice was not old and weak as one might have expected but was in fact, rather like a child talking in an assumed voice to make it sound older and different. The result was very humorous. The Armadillo’s eyes narrowed and the bunny continued, “As I was saying, I came to ask you to save the Princess Mary, who has been kidnapped by the Barons of Evil. I’m not sure yet what they want, but they are rapidly becoming the most evil group in the world. Will you help me?”
The Armadillo nodded in assent. “Excellent. I am afraid you will have to do most of the adventuring yourself, as I am not as young as I once was. I can however offer you some advice. They don’t call me The Wise Bunny for nothing… Well I guess no one actually calls me that but… Never mind. You will have to travel far to find where the Princess is hidden: across the Land of the Living, through the Valley of Din, down the Unending Way of Hall, and finally to the Blue Ruins if you wish to find the Princess.
Know this: the Fox is the leader of the Barons of Evil, and is smarter than all the animals put together. The Black Bear is strong enough to rip through cement walls. And the Racoon is a sharpshooter, master assassin. Together these three are the Barons of Evil; and they are unbeatable. Farewell, and good luck.”
The Armadillo turns and leaves to face this new challenge, to fight an unbeatable team of evil and save a princess he has never met. As he walks away the sun sets in blaze of scarlet and crimson reminding him of his quest for his arch nemesis, a quest he must lay aside till he has saved the Princess Mary.
Who is his arch nemesis? Can he defeat the Barons of Evil?? What do the Barons of Evil even want??? Don’t miss the next thrilling installment of “The Armadillo of Legends”!
We now return to “The Armadillo of Legends: The Revenge of the Polar Bear!”.
Though surrounded the Armadillo is ever quick on his feet. Quickly turning around he threw his grappling hook and swung out of the fray. Recovering from their shock the Polar Bears turned to face the Armadillo in his new position. But the advantage of surprise had faded. The Armadillo stood before them with drawn sword. Quickly the Armadillo advanced toward their leader. The Armadillo jumped through the air slashing at Marcus, the leader of the Polar Bears, but Marcus flipped aside.
“I have learned some new tricks since our last meeting Armadillo,” he growled, “Alright guys, lets take him out.”
The Armadillo saw Gunter snarling to the right of him (Gunter fought like a beast gone mad, and no one knew if he just fought like he was feral, or if he was actually feral). Hearing Sharp and Steel closing the gap behind him The Armadillo of Legends knew he had to act quickly. He jumped six feet in the air (as only an armadillo can (look it up)), and threw a fistful of flash powder on the ground. In the ensuing confusion, he whirled about to face the two behind him. He delivered a powerful blow, striking Marcus across the face with the flat of his blade.
Pulling his grappling hook once more off of his belt, he threw it, and with the expert skill that only years of practice can give, he snaked the hook around the head of Steel and caught hold of the neck of Sharp. Pulling hard on the rope, he drew their heads together with a loud crack.
The Armadillo knew he had little time before Gunter was upon him so he hurled his boomerang in front of him. Jumping in the air once more he saw the boomerang return and smack Gunter in the face.
Regrouping as best that they could the Polar Bears began to retreat. “You win this time Armadillo, shouted Marcus over his shoulder, but we’ll attack again when you least expect it!”
Who is this shadow? What do they want from the Armadillo? Find out next Thursday!
A short article titled “If Pigs Could Fly”.
If pigs could fly… SCIENTIST WOULD GO CRAZY, THEY WOULD START STUDYING THOSE PIGS JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW THEY GOT OF THE GROUND, I MEAN THEY MUST HAVE BIG WINGS SINCE BIRDS CAN FLY BECAUSE OF THEIR LIGHTER BONES, NOT TO MENTION THE PIG ARE JUST FAT IN GENERAL!
In short scientists would have a renewed interest in pigs and farmers would put roofs on their pigsties. There would also be a bigger bird poop problem. Always carry an umbrella.
When we got up a couple of days ago we saw this guy having his breakfast in the gardenia. There must be plenty of bugs and lizards in the gardenia, because he has sitting in it eating every morning for the past few days. I think we should make him pay for it, you know like a bed and breakfast, or a hotel.
Dog-pile on the polar bear!Polar bear has his revenge!In case anyone is wondering those stuffed animals are all mine (what can I say, I like stuffed animals), and since I got most of them when I was little they all have very creative names. Their names are Polar Bear, Doggy, Elephanty, Baron Fox, and Little Polar Bear. You have to guess which is which.