The Armadillo of Legends: Defender of Stuffed Animals

The Armadillo of Legends: Defender of Stuffed Animals

Forced to pursue the villainous Elephant the Armadillo of Legends struck out across the clearing toward the neighboring village. Though still thirty yards away the Armadillo could already detect the effects of the mayhem. The fires roaring atop the buildings, the smell of burning tar and hay, and the shouts for help, mingled with the insane laughter of the evil Elephant. He hurried forward.

As he entered the village he surveyed the wreckage, trying to find the mad Doctor Elephant. This did not take long. Despite the Elephant’s immense weight he sat with astounding grace on a slender, floating, broomstick. The Elephant attacked the villagers alternating with his two weapons, a small wand, and a lazer-crossbow. The Elephant’s unearthly weapons, and his eerie laughter perturbed many of the villagers causing them to run in fear. The Armadillo however, is without fear. Sneaking up behind the Elephant he hurled his boomerang at his his foe’s voluminous head. The boomerang rebounding off the back of his head, the Elephant turned around trumpeting in anger. Unfortunately, the Armadillo had underestimated the strength of his enemy’s skull.

“Who dares to strike ME!!!”, roared the Elephant.

Even after he had discovered his assailant his eyes continued to dart from place to place. This rapid searching, almost nervous motion was contrasted by his seemingly calm and respectable demeanor, giving him the air of an insane mystic.

The Armadillo, however, wasted no time on a such a character study, insightful though it may be.  Rushing forward he jumped, twirled in the air, and struck the Elephant full in the face with his right foot. Following this with a shield brought heavy against the same target.  The Elephant fell from his broomstick. Recovering himself the Elephant fired two bolts with his gun that the Armadillo easily parried. While he fired he waved his wand in the air, summoning a large wind which blew the Armadillo away from him.

“Impudent FOOL!!!”, the Elephant roared, “You think you can attack ME; The Strength of Sages, The Duke of Doom, The Lord of Lard; and expect get away with it?!!”. The Armadillo snickered involuntarily at this last title, which only served to anger the Elephant more. Trumpeting out a vicious war cry, the Elephant bore down on the Armadillo putting all his weight behind his mighty charge. Placing his shield in front of him the Armadillo braced for impact.

To be continued…

The Armadillo of Legends: Defender of Stuffed Animals

The Armadillo of Legends: Defender of Stuffed Animals

The Barons of Evil flew down from the sky riding a strange, red, flying vehicle. It had a large body in the middle and on the sides were the wings, each with a large turbine on them. 

These villains alighted in front of our hero and as they did so the fox opened his mouth as if to speak. He never got the chance. The Armadillo leapt forward with the ferocity of a lion. Taking them by surprise the Armadillo smashed the bear across the face, knocking him off balance. Rushing forward he  slashed at the fox, who he knew to be their leader. To his great surprise his sword glanced off.  His foe was protected by a very clear panel of strong glass. From behind the Armadillo a bolas swooped through the air, rapped around the Armadillo’s feet, and he fell off the ship. He had forgotten about the racoon.

The ship quickly drew backwards and up a little as the devious leader of the motley crew began issuing orders. “Slew Foot quick, get behind him. Count Drakecula, grab your weapons and descend from the ship.”

Even as the fox uttered his commands, the bear known as Slew Foot leapt the immense distance, and stood some ten feet behind the Armadillo.

The racoon, whom the Armadillo now knew to be Count Drakecula, stood before the ship sword in hand, as the fox continued. “Did you really think I would just “let” you attack me? Come on guys, I tried to be reasonable, but now we have to do this the hard way.”

“Got it Baron Fox!”

Slew Foot sprang towards the Armadillo slammed against him and sent him flying. The Armadillo bounced twice off the ground before he finally stopped flying. The Armadillo was beginning to understand the true brute strength of the small bear.

His head was still reeling as Count Drakecula swiftly approached him from behind. The Armadillo however, recovered faster. Whirling around the Armadillo pulled a small bomb off his belt and threw it at the Count. Surprised, the Count took a step to the side to avoid the bomb. Coiling his grappling hook around the feet of the surprised racoon, the Armadillo pulled Count Drakecula to the ground.

“You’re good,” said the Count smiling deviously, “but not good enough.”

As he spoke Baron Fox flew towards the Armadillo spraying fire as he went. The stouthearted warrior flipped backwards to avoid the fire, and was smacked into a tree by the strong arm of Slew Foot.

“Now that we have let off some steam,” said Baron Fox, “maybe you could listen to what I have to say.”

The Armadillo looked around at the three trained villains, each deadly in their area of expertise. He knew he could beat them with more supplies, more time, and a plan. He had none of these. Besides, as long as he kept them within his line of sight he could plan while the fox talked. The Armadillo glared at them, and nodded his assent.

“Good.” said Baron Fox, “I hate fighting good guys anyways. They always win. Now I assume you want to know who we were chasing and why. As you know we are rapidly becoming the most evil group in the world. This is not because we are the most evil, but rather because we are slowly eradicating the competition. The elephant we were chasing is known as Doctor Elephant, a sorcerer/genius and complete lunatic. His evil feats are known far and wide, and he is now headed for that village in the distance. If you hurry you can catch him before he does much damage. Good luck.”

As Baron Fox turned to leave Slew Foot interjected asking, “What about the girl?”

“Oh yes.” said the Baron, “You think we kidnapped the fair princess of yonder kingdom. I’m afraid you are sadly mistaken. if you want to know where she is I would ask the Elephant. Kidnapping is not really our style. Good luck with that as well.”

The Armadillo looked at the Baron and knew he was not lying. This ability was one of the Armadillo’s rare gifts. As they left he could hear Baron Fox remarking how he loved when good guys did their work for them. He didn’t want to, but he knew he couldn’t let the Elephant destroy that town. He knew, deep inside him that the Barons of Evil and he would meet again some day.  Whether this was a comfort or a concern he did not know.

Armadillo of Legends: Defender of Stuffed Animals

The Armadillo of Legends: Defender of Stuffed Animals

As the Armadillo left the desert he was greeted with the ominous smell of smoke. Surveying the horizon he quickly saw the origin of the smoke. The smoke billowed and curled in a giant column that snaked down to a small village in the distance.

Though he had promised to save the princess the noble nature of the Armadillo would not allow him to pass such wrongs without at least seeing if he could help. Moreover, since huge destruction and  fires are the token of the Rainbow Dragon, perhaps he could kill two birds with one stone.

As he arrived on the scene he saw that the villagers had already put out most of the immediate fire but it continued to spread with amazing strength and speed into the distance.

Hurriedly the Armadillo went to one of the villagers who gave him a brief detail of what had happened. Apparently most of them had been working in the fields so they did not entirely know what had happened. They did however know that before the fire had started they saw two shadows fly by. They couldn’t tell what they were, but they knew that the second had brought the fire.

The Armadillo waited to hear no more. If this was his arch-nemesis many more people would be in danger. As he grew near to the source of the still spreading fire he slowed down a little to prepare himself for battle. He noticed that while two shadows flew and shot fire they did so with little noise, but the vile dragon generally fought while challenging with ear deafening roars.

The Armadillo had little time to ponder this, as he quickly saw his chance to strike. Crouching behind a large rock, he saw the shadow growing closer. Suddenly he leapt in front of it sword and shield in hand poised for action. What landed in front of him were three perspicuous figures. A fox, a bear, and a racoon: The Barons of Evil.

Armadillo of Legends!

We now return to “The Armadillo of Legends: The Revenge of the Polar Bear!”.

Though surrounded the Armadillo is ever quick on his feet. Quickly turning around he threw his grappling hook and swung out of the fray. Recovering from their shock the Polar Bears turned to face the Armadillo in his new position. But the advantage of surprise had faded. The Armadillo stood before them with drawn sword. Quickly the Armadillo advanced toward their leader. The Armadillo jumped through the air slashing at Marcus, the leader of the Polar Bears, but Marcus flipped aside.

“I have learned some new tricks since our last meeting Armadillo,” he growled, “Alright guys, lets take him out.”

The Armadillo saw Gunter snarling to the right of him (Gunter fought like a beast gone mad, and no one knew if he just fought like he was feral, or if he was actually  feral). Hearing Sharp and Steel closing the gap behind him The Armadillo of Legends knew he had to act quickly. He jumped six feet in the air (as only an armadillo can (look it up)), and threw a fistful of flash powder on the ground. In the ensuing confusion, he whirled about to face the two behind him.  He delivered a powerful blow, striking Marcus across the face with the flat of his blade.

Pulling his grappling hook once more off of his belt, he threw it, and with the expert skill that only years of practice can give, he snaked the hook around the head of Steel and caught hold of the neck of Sharp. Pulling hard on the rope, he drew their heads together with a loud crack.

The Armadillo knew he had little time before Gunter was upon him so he hurled his boomerang in front of him. Jumping in the air once more he saw the boomerang return and smack Gunter in the face.

Regrouping as best that they could the Polar Bears began to retreat. “You win this time Armadillo, shouted Marcus over his shoulder, but we’ll attack again when you least expect it!”

Thus once more the Armadillo stands in victory over his foes. But even as the Polar Bears retreat a shadow looms up behind the Armadillo of Legends.  

Who is this shadow? What do they want from the Armadillo? Find out next Thursday!

Armadillo of Legends!

Evil stuffed animals beware! For a hero has awoken. The Armadillo of Legends! He single-handedly slew the giant polar bear,defeated a ship full of tiny pirates,and while ridding his faithful steed, the black panther,he wields “La Spada del Destino”! The Sword of Destiny!But is even he ready to face “The Revenge of the Polar Bear!”

Dragons Beware!

Dragons beware! This is my sword.20161103_133606And not only is it sharp, but it is also full tang, (I like sounding intelligent… especially about swords) and it has been blessed by Father Ramon. So now I am ready to fight any monster that dare enter my neighborhood. Of course I haven’t seen any dragons in the area yet… that’s how I know it’s working.